I blame myself.

My son lived for only 22 hours. I was in labor for almost 24 hours. I had a healthy pregnancy and he was such a beautiful boy. He was my only child and now I’m a childless mother.

I watched them try to resuscitate him for over an hour. I prayed and called out his name.

When he heard my voice he opened his eyes but never cried.

He died from severe brain asphyxia. He was stuck in the birth canal for too long.

I blame myself because I couldn’t push hard enough. I blame myself because I could have gone to another hospital. Maybe they would have done an emergency c-section. They just watched me struggle and let my baby die.

He was in NICU from the birth until death.

I will never forget the few hours I spent with him. And I ll never forgive myself for failing to protect my only baby.

3 Replies

  • In reply to MamaPhatsi:

    Sorry I’m only just replying fellow mum. I hope you are getting stronger every minute, every hour, every day. You won’t forget but it will get easier. This happened about 6 months ago. To be precise, he was born on the 24th of July 2020 and he was in NICU for 31 days till he passed away on the 24th of August. It’s a horrible and traumatic experience. I have just held on to my faith to get me through each moment. I personally believe that my delivery was mismanaged. I was induced because of gestational diabetes and had an epidural. It happened in the space of 2 hours. If you don’t mind me asking, where did this happen?
  • In reply to Beauty4ashes:

    I don’t know how we are meant to survive such heartbreak. I’m deeply sorry for your loss fellow mom. I know the pain u went through. How long ago did you lose your son and how long did it take you to get a little better. Because this happened 3 weeks ago and I feel like dying everyday.
  • Oh my heart. I’m soo sorry you have to go through such pain. Please do not blame yourself. You made the best choices for you and your baby at the time. Unfortunately these things happen and our hope is that joy comes in the morning. I also lost my son in August to stage 3 HIE. He was in NICU for the 31 days of his life till he passed away. He also got stuck in the birth canal. The most painful thing I have ever been through . I was supposed to go to England to give birth as the health care in Nigeria especially obstetrics can be inadequate( I am grateful to God that I have that option as most people here don’t ). However flights were cancelled because of covid so the search for a good hospital here started. I never even thought about delivery complications as I had a straightforward birth with my 4 year old daughter. I regretted all my decisions initially but I look back and know I did my best. You did your best fellow mom. You really did.