I am honestly struggling a lot this year. I have a healthy 4 year son and have been trying my best to give him a sibling but it's been a struggle for me to make it happen. Last August, I found out I was pregnant but it turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy. We were so devastated but we did not lose hope and chose to try again 3 months later. We found out about my third pregnancy last December. Everything was going so well and we really thought this baby will be our rainbow baby. My older sister had also found out about her pregnancy around the time I found out about mine. She and I were so excited to raise our babies together. We even did the baby's gender reveal together with our family. At the gender reveal we found out that we both were expecting boys.
Everything went downhill when I started to go into preterm labor on my 20th week of pregnancy. This literally changed my life forever. While I went into preterm labor, I also tested positive for Covid and 2 bacterial infections. My husband and I decided to name our baby boy Tobias. I decided to do an all natural birth and delivery and our baby was born on April 2, 2021. He was so small but so perfect. A priest had arrived to baptize our baby. Tobias didn't make it but my husband and I gave him all of our love to him before he passed away. He laid on my chest for about an 1hour before he passed away. The next day, we had to do funeral arrangements for our baby.
I am having a hard time understanding why this happened. In the beginning I felt so guilty thinking I could have done something different or have taken better care of myself. and my baby. Now, I do not feel guilty but my heart is still broken. My life has completely changed in so many ways. I now struggle with anxiety and depression. What hurts me the most is I can't even be around my sister without reminding myself that I too should be pregnant. I have mixed feelings about trying to get pregnant again because I feel like this is a sign to let me know that I do not deserve to have any more children.