Will it ever get better? I blame myself

I just delivered my first born son at 26 weeks. I did everything I was told. I got covid and even after that I tested and was told that everything was on track. He was an active little boy always kicking. Our 4D scan lady even said he would be an athlete. One day the kicking slowed down. And when it stopped I was told that baby's at that stage don't kick all the time and he would kick again. When I went into my 27 week scan my weight was perfect, his size was perfect but.... They found now heart beat.

I blame myself for not pushing to go to the doctors when he stopped moving. It's only been two days since delivering him  and I can't even close my eyes without thinking about him, not knowing where his birthmark would be but more than anything how his eyes would have looked like.

I can't ever imagine myself getting through this especially now that we are planning for his cremation. I feel like a failure and I should have done more. I don't even know what my next move is right now. All I can do is cry and look at the one picture I have of him and I.

I miss him more everyday and I'm terrified of how I will feel when we get to his actual due date (30 January 2022).

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