On the 11th of December at 26 weeks I went into labour. I had a small show of blood phoned the hospital and they never rung me back. A few hours later I rang again with back pain and went to my hospitals labour ward. I was given steroids and antibiotics but it was too late and in 2 hours our baby girl Alaia came. For the 17 days in the NICU unit we had a roller coaster of a time, we had to take it hour by hour. She was having a good week and within 2 hours on the 27th of December we were saying goodbye to our perfect little girl. From the moment she was born I’ve blamed myself. I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help it. I miss going to see her little face, her little fingers wrapping around ours, her falling asleep to forehead tickles and when she would wake up to the sound of our voices. I see her face every moment of every day and then dream about her when I’m asleep. I see families with their babies and I feel so jealous. I was 20 when we found out we were pregnant and it was a massive shock for us but I was ready for her. I crave that baby that I am missing but it will never fill that void that is my little girl Alaia. A big part of me wants a baby now and the other part of me is scarred and never wants another baby. She will always be a massive part of our lives and we will never forget her and I will go on to tell my future children all about their big sister. Some days I can talk about her and I’m okay and other days I just cry. I have a constant ache in my chest that I don’t think will ever disappear, even when I smile I’m hurting. I will always be her mam and she will always be our little girl. I’m always in a wave of emotions, I’m so angry but also so sad. The what ifs kill me. The adventures we had planned as a family. The life she should have had. I didn’t enjoy being pregnant at the time and now I hate myself for that, I would do anything in the world to have her back in my belly, we would have been on our countdown till we seen her beautiful face excitement but now I’m just heart broken. I see my parents face and my heart breaks that he doesn’t get to hold his little girl again. She was the biggest fighter and diva and knowing that we had those stressful but precious 17 days with her will always bring a warmth within my heart. If love would have saved her she would of lived forever. Now our members of our family who have passed will be looking after her for us. Having my pregnancy being called ‘perfect’ throughout my pregnancy brings this as an even bigger shock.

I’m scared to try and have another baby, has anyone else felt like this and what were your outcomes?