I went into labour at 21 wks 1d and my son came 5 days after that. I had lost all my amniotic fluid and his heart was still beating so strong. He was literally a little fighter. The hospital did not even put him in the NiCU as they were ill equipped, which is a whole other story. So I knew him being born, there was nothing that would be done to save his life cos he was not "VIABLE". But his life meant something,He was perfect. Just a perfect lil boy. He only lived for less than 4 hours. Those moments with him in my arms will be in my heart forever. He was surrounded by family. It was so important that he felt that. He felt the love that we had for him even though his life was slipping away. I blame myself everyday. Its easy to say don't blame yourself but how can I not. I wish I could go back and change so much things. I was just so excited that I was pregnant. I wish I knew more. I wish my son was here. My life before that day is so different from now. There is a wall that's been created in a way. The "DON'T GET YOUR HOPES UP" wall coupled with "DON'T TAKE THINGS FOR GRANTED". People say to me, don't worry you will have another one or everything happens for a reason. WHAT REASON? I don't know what I need to learn from all this. There is no lesson more important than his life. Another one won't bring my son back. I just want my SON BACK. That's it. I don't mind having kids in the future. But no child I ever have in the future will ever bring my son back. So when people say stuff like that, I just keep quiet because its hard to explain. A few months on, its hard to tell how much healing I have experienced. I have my good days and I have my bad days. Like right now as I am typing this. I feel like on my good days, people feel like I am over it. I also feel like there are times people are trying to pretend that it did not happen so I don't get upset. I don't know how to feel about that. By not acknowledging it anymore, does it feel like Miracle has been swept under the rug. I don't know. But I will say after having an infant loss, you realise how many encounters you have with babies in your regular activities. From travelling home from work or watching a film, you can't escape it. I see people with their prams and buggies and their lives together. All I have is a photo of him and the towel he was wrapped around when he was born. That's it. At this very point in time, if everything went well, he would still be in my tummy. And I would just be preparing for his arrival. I wish that was my reality. I don't mind having kids but I am scared. I am soo scared. I can't handle another loss. I just can't. But I figure the best I can do is getting all the information to further minimise my risks. I am still unstanding what Pprom is and would love to talk to those who had kids after a pprom. Anyway That's my story. Will try my best to keep updating my blog.