Fetal demise abruption during delivery

Unfortunately I do not have a happy story as I lost my first child Talia Joy on December 22 2017 due to a placental abruption during birth and nearly lost my life as well. 7 lbs 8 ounces 18 1/4 long born at 12:31pm born on her due date full term there was an abruption the placenta detached and I started bleeding out im talking they will never be able to use that bed again as the entire mattress was completely soaked in mins they had me roll on my side and raced me to the or to perform an emergency c section  my fiance was left to wait and wonder if he would ever see me or the baby again during this time they called the children's hospital crash team in they flew in on the helicopter

and worked on my sweet talia while the hospital I was in took care of me. they recesitated Talia  twice and I needed a blood transfusion and got pneumonia from the breathing tube. I woke up in recovery with only a nurse disoriented and confused looking for answers but getting none.  I asked for my fiance  and they sent him in still no answers. They finally emerged holding talia with and one of those breathing masks with a plunger they told us it could be mins before she passed. The lack of oxygen to her brain caused permanent brain damage and she was unable to eat or cry if she survived she was looking at a life in a bed eating through a tube she would never walk or talk. They handed her to me I held her hand and kissed it and and she opened her eyes and stared at me I called my fiance over so he could look into them as well. Her breathing was raspy and sounded gurgley as she swallowed a lot of blood. I told her I loved her and it was ok to rest now mama has you. She closed her eyes and slept the rest of the time. Talia lived 5 hours on her own and passed away in my arms with her last breath she smiled. The hospital called a photograph and she took some photos for us so we could have some one of my nurses made me a shadow box picture collage to take home. We burried her on December 28th after I was finally released from the hospital on December 27th the healing process both mentally and physically took a long time and I am still not all there mentally.

I have a retroverted uterus which means its titled up and back they believe that when she was pushing down to get ready to deliver  she hit the basically a brick wall and the placenta abrupted I was 5 cm dialated at the time but they were having a hard time checking for dialation. I was 33 years old with talia it took me a year before I even wanted to seek help to talk to a therapist but I was dealing with some serious depression and blaming myself because my body failed me. I would not use the phrase it gets better with time but you will feel less and less like its eating away at you with time. My sister found this beautiful garden that is called the garden of sleeping angels located in Minnesota (I live in Minnesota) the memorialize the baby's lost too soon and they also have gatherings so the parents can  come together and support each other they have an artist that makes a unique mosaic angel with your baby's name and birthday on back if it was a miscarriage to early to know gender or a name they will put baby (insert last name) for instance my miscarriage at 6 weeks would be  "baby Haggenmiller "  

A year later I found out I was pregnant again but sadly at 6 weeks I miscarried.  

There is a bit of a silver lining a week ago I got another positive pregnancy test I'm currently 4 weeks pregnant  

I'm a high risk pregnancy and any baby I have  will be a c section 3 weeks before the due date. I'm currently 35 years old and now am considered advanced maternal age we are praying for a healthy full term baby this round

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